What Do Perfection, People-Pleasing, and Protection Have in Common?

It’s sometimes (or, rather, most often) hard to step outside of the version of ourselves we’ve learned to be—to do the hard thing, show up fully as our authentic selves, and tell it like we see it. It’s hard for some of us to behave like a “C student," someone who gets the job done imperfectly, because we’re perfectionists who want to do everything the right way, the best way. A “C” can trigger so much anxiety for someone like me who spent years striving for “A’s.”  We do this because we’re afraid of judgment, criticism, and even compliments (Why would they say something nice to me? What do they want? Are they being sarcastic?). We put others first and people-please to make sure others are comfortable, even at our own expense. 

Why do we do all of this? 
Because it helps us feel safe. Like emotional armor.

Perhaps as children, we received praise—which felt like love—for creating beautiful art, writing the best essay, scoring the goal, or perfectly setting the table. I’ve witnessed parents promising their children money for winning a game and parents berating children for getting a “B.” We’ve all been in middle school, feeling self-conscious about ourselves, being criticized or complimented (two sides to the same coin) for our looks, smarts, athleticism, or friend-circle. We’ve witnessed bullying in person and now have to deal with it online. We learned at a young age how to behave, what to say, and what to do in order to feel as safe, worthy, and loved as possible.

As adults, we carry these beliefs as part of our personality, like armor. We judge ourselves harshly to keep ourselves safe from criticism of others. We might stay small until a task is done perfectly, which often is not at all, or we self-sabotage to give ourselves an excuse for imperfection. We might unconsciously make ourselves late to an event or give ourselves a headache as an attempt to avoid whatever uncomfortable thing it is we said yes to when we really wanted to say no. 

The interesting thing is that most of these patterns were never actually about perfection; they were about protection. We learned them because they helped us feel safe, accepted, or in control. The problem is that what protected us at 6 years old can limit us as adults. 

At some point, we have to decide whether the strategies that once kept us safe are now keeping us small. 

The good news is that awareness gives us choice. Once we notice a pattern, we can begin to change it. If we want to be brave and show up as our authentic selves, if we want to heal our bodies, create meaningful relationships, do work we love, and experience more joy, ease, and abundance, we have the power to shift.

We can simply start practicing new thoughts, new behaviors, and new ways of responding to life—one small step at a time. We can thank our old strategies for helping us feel safe when we needed them and, if they're no longer serving us, choose something new.

We are allowed to outgrow the strategies that once helped us survive.

If you'd like encouragement, support, and practical tools to help you transform old patterns and create more joy, ease, and fulfillment in your life, you're warmly invited to join us inside the Joy Alchemy Community. We gather online each Wednesday at 12 PM Pacific to practice simple techniques that help regulate our nervous systems, cultivate greater calm, and create more health, joy, and wellbeing—one small step at a time.

And if you're ready for real transformation and would like more personalized support, I'd love to connect with you through a complimentary Pain to Possibility Discovery Call. Together, we'll identify where you are, where you'd like to be, and what may help bridge the gap.

Sending you encouragement, a reminder that change is possible, and plenty of permission to be a C student. 😄💛